Finding out what the words really mean
I was sitting at a holiday dinner with my husbands family. We had several generations there, all native Oregonians. Well, I guess technically my husband was born in Idaho when his Dad had a temporary job there, but since he moved back here at 6 months, I think he qualifies as close enough. Except for me. I was born in Boston, and grew up in New England, and have lived in several areas of the country.
We got to talking about a beautiful day. The Oregonians decided that 65 degrees and overcast was a beautiful day.
I thought they were crazy.
How could there possibly be a beautiful day without a bright blue sky? How could it possibly be beautiful when it was cold? I thought they were kidding. But they weren’t.
So what?
You might not think it matters, but there are all sorts of ways this affects my daily life with Oregonians. Especially my husband. To name a few.
- He turns the air conditioner on when it hits 68 degrees
- I’m starting to get warm at 75 degrees, and turn off the air conditioner until it’s 80
- I want to be outside in the middle of the day hiking and biking
- He wants to wait until the sun has gone partially down
- He puts on long pants and long sleeves to hide from the sun, then he’s too hot
We have a pretty playful attitude about all this, but we have a lot of motivation to find a way to accommodate the differences. What happens when people don’t have a serious commitment to one another?
(How many various answers do you think there are to the question “What is going on in the photo with these two dogs?”)
Shifting irritation to curiosity
One of the side benefits of working with VisualsSpeak is a deepening of my curiosity about how other people see things. After watching thousands of people interpret the same photos differently, I really get how unique each one of us is. Not that there aren’t patterns. But even if two people see one picture similarly, they’ll see another one totally different.
It’s much easier to miss the range of difference when we are communicating with just words. When my husband talks about a beautiful day, he’s not talking about anything I would agree with. But I was married to him for over 7 years before I really figured it out. I knew we had air conditioner wars, but understanding how fundamental the difference was and the range of implications is a process.
The first step to understanding is to really get an idea of what the other person is perceiving. Not easy. But it’s part of why magic happens when you use images. At least you have a concrete starting point to center the discussion around. You have a better chance of discovery.
Hi Christine–you’re absolutely right about the power of images to help you understand and talk about differing perceptions. My husband and I did a mini retreat a few weeks ago, using the VisualsSpeak images and it was fascinating to see the differences between how the two of us perceived the same photo. The dog photo you have here is a prime example–I saw the dogs as fighting and have included them in other collages to represent conflict. My husband, on the other hand, saw both the fighting aspect AND that they were playing, so he used it to represent both elements in our marriage.
The interesting thing about the whole process was that it opened us up to talk about issues we have never been able to calmly discuss. By using the images were able to get at our differing perceptions in a far more constructive way. It was one of the best conversations we’ve ever had about our marriage. I’m definitely a believer in the power of the visual!
Hi Michele
Interesting about the conversation with your husband and how you were able to have a more in-depth discussion about sensitive issues.
We have heard this before on how people are able to have hard conversations or resolve conflicts while using the VisualsSpeak ImageSet images. There is something about being able to point at the photos and talk that diffuses the emotional charge of what is being discussed. Don’t fully understand it yet, and I suppose it doesn’t matter to some extent, because it works. That’s all that matters.
Thanks for your insight and glad things went well for you and your husband.
Tom
Here is another cultural difference between New York and Oregon. On my first visit to Portland a couple of years ago I noticed a difference in the use of eye contact. As we ordinarily would do in New York, my husband and I would let our eyes wander around the room as we ate our meal. We often notice the decor, who else is there, how busy it is, etc. However, in Portland, our visual sweeps of the room inevitably brought the waiters over to our table. I guess it looked to them as if we were missing something rather than just appreciating the scene.
Hi Betsy
Being an east coast kid myself has meant various cultural adaptations in moving to Oregon (pronounced Oregun).
- The pace is more laid back
- People drive slower and refuse to get out of the high speed lane.
- Politeness counts
- Quality of life counts not how fast or how much you can do of something
- My dry, sarcastic east coast sense of humor is not understood much less appreciated (I get a lot of blank stares here. Go figure)
- Every town, including a big city like Portland has it’s own Farmer’s Market
- Not the slightest clue as to what a real bagel is
Lots more. I’m still adjusting. :>)
In all fairness, a nice place to live.
Tom
I agree with all of the items on Tom’s list of differences for those of us who come from the northeast. Would add:
East coast humor can also be perceived as insulting or argumentative. (I’m losing my east coast humor skills!)
Drivers actually let you “merge into” traffic.
People talk to each other when they are in line (another woman and I let people go ahead so we could finish a conversation).
Cheese is considered a basic food group (is that just Oregon and CA, the home of happy cows?).
The Japanese food is better–generally more connected to the “east.”
Where can I find a decent bagel?
Peggy
I’ve seen couples who have been married a very long time discover new things about each other using VisualsSpeak. As a matter of fact, when my parents made images we discovered my father had a dream of going on a cruise to Alaska. Who knew?
Beyond making the differences concrete and visible, I do think a huge part of the effectiveness is that the images create a third space. No longer do you have to talk about the other person, but you can focus the discussion around the images. It helps to give a bit of detachment and distance so it is less likely to feel like personal attack.
I’m thrilled that you had an important conversation with your husband. Every time two people connect on a little bit deeper level I think the world becomes a better place. Sounds a bit trite, but after all it’s the little steps that add up to massive changes. Stories like yours keep us going at VisualsSpeak.
So that’s why they are always coming over so much. You’d think I’d have figured that out after 10 years.