My business has cracked!
by Christine Martell on February 17, 2009
in Creative Small Business
Making a big mess of it all
I’ve spent years trying everything I know how to do to get VisualsSpeak going. I knew it would be a long haul, and negotiated economic support from my husband and business partner. I thought that would be enough. What I didn’t anticipate is the emotional tole of watching my dreams and passion start to spark, then get blown out over and over. The amount of effort it takes to maintain a belief in the dream is staggering.
I can make long lists of mistakes I’ve made. I have learned a lot, especially about what not to do. It really hit home when I read Sonia Simone’s 7 Things Dumb Small Businesses Do That You Can’t Afford (Especially Now). Its all about me. Yes, I have and continue to do all the dumb small business things. And she is right, you cannot be successful when you do them. Especially when you have a list of addendum dumb things in addition to the seven.
It’s hard to admit.
Letting go of the dream
The hardest part for me has been to let go of the dream. To disconnect from the years of effort and begin to allow it all to unravel. Knowing what I’ve been doing isn’t working, and allowing myself to feel it have been two very different processes. I have refused to look at my books for a year, it just seemed to rub salt in the wounds. So I’ve been acting like a big fat ostrich with my head in the sand.
When the economic markets crashed, so did everything else. I had some health challenges come up that are taking months to resolve. A person in a group I was connected to took issue with who I am, and I decided to leave. Business just stopped. I felt like I was just cut loose from everything I’d been doing for five years.
Sitting in the void
I am left wondering what is remaining that has value. What is the essence of what I have created? What is the part that my customers love? I’ve been reading business books, blogs, watching webinars, talking to consultants for a year. To no avail. I’ve been chasing a world that is mysterious and elusive.
Then I remembered I am an artist. My artist soul lives in the studio, and I hadn’t been there in two years. So I cleared off a desk in my home office, and moved my desktop computer and big screen home. I started to paint (on the computer), and I feel like I’m slowly coming alive again. The pain is oozing away, dissipating in the images. I’m becoming creative again.
Seeds of new beginnings
I have new images; some photographs, some illustrations. I’m starting to discern new directions. It’s still big and fuzzy and doesn’t lend itself to coherent description yet. I’m looking in. Surrounding myself with new groups of people who are doing totally different types of things in the world.
I’m realizing I created tools to help people feel more connected and alive inside organizations, to combat soul death. I created soul death for myself doing it. So I need to allow myself to come alive again. Regroup. Find my authentic voice again.
Is anyone else going through this? Anyone else realizing their businesses just aren’t going to make it through this time in their current forms? What are you doing (or not as the case may be)?
Update
We really hope you’ll continue to share stories with us, and offer suggestions and ideas. It has been so helpful to feel the support and know we are not alone walking this path.
You can subscribe to this series by subscribing to the blog by RSS or email. You can also subscribe to our e-newsletter where we usually talk about tips and tricks for using our visual tools, but in the next one we are going to ask our readers for help.
Here are the related blog posts;
Christine, first, as I read this, huge beams to you. To look inside, to reflect and remember the unique gift you bring to the world as an artist is… well… beautiful.
On the harder pragmatic side, I am seeing a slow but persistent dawning of understanding of the importance of visual communication in just about any kind of work. Recently I think I encouraged two clients to hire graphic facilitators for their events – even as it was hard to add more costs. I have seen my graphic facilitator/recording friends getting very creative to help clients afford them. And when the connection happens — it continues.
Right now, for instance, there aren’t enough people doing this work in DC. But adding airfare costs is a killer. So my approach has been to basically evangelize throughout my network and then connect my clients and connections to their local visual artist connections. (Often through http://www.ifvp.org )
So for me, the answer of how to reimagine our small, unique and I think VALUABLE businesses in this time is to do it with and through each other, through our networks and through our shared understanding of what adds value – even in tough times.
It means pricing and finding ways to make it work for clients. Scrimping and imaginatively repurposing anything we can, from recycled paper, to piggybacking work gigs to save on travel.
I have faith in what you do.
Nancy
It’s obviously horrible when a business doesn’t work out but it happens all the time. Remember that failure with one idea doesn’t mean the next idea won’t work. I’ve failed more times than I’d like to remember to gauge where the demand lies for products and services, but the few I’ve got right have sustained me throughout my career. Quality will win through in the end and your ideas do have quality. Nothing you’ve done is a wasted experience.
Let me tell you a story. A long time ago a friend and I tried to start a business (I’ve done everything, don’t you know). It was called ‘Active Janitorial Contracting’ and it was a failure. We got a few jobs, but never the big contract that would have let us hire people and expand. Eventually, we just let it go. Because the dream, you know, isn’t the business. It’s what the business lets you do. What was I going to contribute to the world through the field of janitorial contracting? I don’t know – but it probably would have been pretty good, and I probably would have found my passion, one way or another. So – I’m sympathetic, but note, you’ve only given up on a business, not something important, like your soul. The seven dumb things will live on, catching people, like me, like you – but so long as we have our art, we have everything.
Here’s to your soul!
Being beaten up by being in business is a story that any of us who have been in business for ourselves can tell. Somedays I tell myself how dumb I was to give up tenure at a university in Toronto in 1996 in order to go into business full time, and other days I remember how bored I was doing the same thing year after year, being surrounded by the depths of cloned mediocrity called academia.
Business is a rough game, and most don’t succeed in the end. But art can also be frustrating and usually not very rewarding financially. To be successful in either endeavour, you need to make lots of mistakes, put in your 10+ years of experience/10,000 hours suggested by Malcolm Gladwell, and have lots of luck. But to succeed at all, you have to keep trying.
Business just seems simple – as Father Guido Sarduci said on Saturday Night Live, “you buy something, and just sell it for more.” I found that reading the book “Origin of Wealth: Evolution, Complexity, and the Radical Remaking of Economics” by Eric D. Beinhocker to be very helpful in deepening my understanding of business as a set of experiments in a complex environment. From an evolutionary perspective, the environment for business has radically shifted, and those who are offering something that is valued by the market in the new reality will succeed, as they are better adapted.
Unfortunately, that means that businesses like MacDonalds will grow by 1000+ stores this year, and funeral homes will not go under (excuse the pun) as the baby boomers arrive (dead) at their doors.
If you want a business in this new environment, you need to figure out what YOU can do that would be attractive to the new (and remaining old) sets of needs that people will still have over the next five years.
For example, I think that you are a great interviewer, having been interviewed by you for an ASTD podcast. Great rich deep voice, clear questions, and a big laugh. It made the interview a joy. Why not consider making podcasts and doing web videos on learning and development as a business. Low overhead, low production costs, can be listened to as one jogs, or on the new Internet car radios. Just an idea, and I am sure that there are many others. Let’s talk…
@Nancy White: Thank you so much for having faith in what I do. Mine’s been a bit rocky lately, so I appreciate having it offered from outside as support.
It’s been frustrating to know so clearly that visuals can help now more than ever as people struggle to redefine their worlds. Yet, I think we may all be better business people as we are forced to reinvent how we operate and be resourceful. Thinking creatively is something I certainly can do. Now that I have publicly proclaimed the deep dark secret, perhaps I can let go of all the unproductive things I was doing to try to save a sinking ship and rebuild a much faster lighter one.
@Clive Shepherd: Its comforting to know I’m not the only one who has failed. I know it intellectually, but I think it is most often done in private, so its harder to see. And I must admit hitting publish on this post was not easy, but getting supportive replies and reminders of still having all the intellectual property to reconfigure is quite helpful. So thank you for reminding me how much company I have in this boat.
@Stephen Downes: I for one am grateful you were not a successful janitor and have gone on to do what you do. Hard to imagine wasting a brain like yours on cleaning (assuming that’s what it was— which is probably silly since your mind probably did something more inspired).
I struggle so with the separation between soul and business. It’s all wound up together, but after sitting in the void for a couple of months, the unwinding is beginning.Keep reminding me that as long as we have our art, we have everything.
@Cammy Bean: Thanks Cammy, you seem to really get this balance of work and soul thing.
Your blog post brought tears to my eyes, I can resonate with every word you wrote and know that returning to your roots, to your creativity and your passion, you will find yourself again. And we will all be here to celebrate with you.
Do you know how many nights in the past 18 months, I have laid awake, trying to work out why I left the safe haven of my Corporate American job and started took the steps to start my own business? How many nights I’ve sat trying to work out how to twist a new direction out of my skill set, and have worked late into the night, trying to close that perfect deal, which would enable my business partner and I to have sufficient financial freedom to employ staff and relax a bit, to enjoy our newborn daughters?
I have felt drained, and lost, and disconnected from why I started my business, I was focusing on our clients, following protocols of organizations I was affiliated with that I didn’t agree with, and writing and rewriting business proposals to companies that kept taking the passion out of my daily working life.
I found myself chasing clients to pay for services rendered, not just for me but for my business partner and I felt like nobody respected me. I was busting my gut, and despite telling myself I’d finish my day by 4pm each day to spend time with my daughter, I looked around my office and found I had a circuit of toys that I moved my daughter through once daycare left for the day, as I worked away on mundane jobs just to pay the mortgage.
I came to the same realization that I wasn’t respecting myself. Just as you describe, my soul was dying, running a company, being a mother and being the sole breadwinner for my family meant that, that all came before ME. I realized if I didn’t return to ME, to MY roots and rebuild my self belief in myself, that my business would get to a point of no return.
I started to focus my thoughts, on what I missed about ME, I missed being creative and energetic, I missed being able to control my own destiny, by believing that my business partner needed a salary before me. And then it dawned on me, I do control my own destiny, but I had stopped believing in what I could do. So I stopped. I stopped devaluing myself by allowing my business partner to be paid before me if checks came in that made payroll short, I stopped rewriting business proposals that didn’t connect with what I wanted to do in my everyday job, and I decided that once I wrote a proposal, if the company I was writing it for didn’t like it, then screw them, they were going to miss out on the dynamic impressive learning professional that I am capable of being. Many nights at 2am I had to talk myself and remind myself why I was doing this, and I questioned whether I was loosing it, that I was throwing it all to the dogs but you know what, 7 days later, holding true to me, I won a six month contract for our company.
I am not saying that that changed our lives. I still think our business will shut its doors soon, in the capacity that is now but the contract I won, has openned many doors and I feel alive in what I’m working on right now, alive enough to know that being reconnected to my soul and the passion that drives me as a professional, is far more important.
As an artist, not only draw on canvas or on your computer, but draw on your past experiences, and know that believing in yourself again and sending that thought out into the universe will pay much higher dividend than anything else you could be doing to repair the cracks in you.
@Gary Woodill: Thank you for saying business is hard. If I read one more blog post about the 10 Easy Steps to Your Business Success, I’m going to scream. As a matter of fact, my feed reader is full of unread posts because I am avoiding them.
You are totally right that art as a business can be even tougher. Been there. But it is way more fun. I think I am getting closer to the 10,000 hours doing visual communication, and I don’t think I will give it up totally, just in the current form. I don’t know about the luck, but it does seem to be a big part of it. Luck specifically in timing.
I do think you are right in low overhead, low production. And I certainly have a lot of IP that should be able to repurposed. Love to hear more of your ideas about where the new market opportunities might lie.
@Emma King: Oh Emma, I’m so sorry its happening to you too, and yet so relieved to know it isn’t just me. I also think about presenting with you last fall, with each of us still playing brave and strong like we have to when we present and market ourselves. Missing the opportunity for support from each other
Why do we get sucked into losing our authentic selves? Aurgh. I should know this one by now, yet it is so hard. I find it particularly difficult in organizational contexts where creatives are not a normal part of the culture. Sometimes I feel like an exotic animal they bring in to entertain them, but not really let change them.
Ok, so we will make a pact. Authenticity. And if we start slipping, we will put out a call for reinforcement!
Kia ora Christine!
I have never been in business, so I can’t talk about what it’s like.
I watched my father start and run a business with help from my mother – for years.
He struggled. I saw and learnt that struggling in business is an emotional thing, as well as hard work.
You strike me as a true professional. You always have done. Your principles are sound as is your art. Your line of business is innovative, unique and you created it yourself, a genuine contribution – something I’d never seen before, intellectual, practical, artistic.
During the brief time I watched you on your blog, you were always radiating light. Always it was the same light; sure; radiant; unflickering.
Keep that light burning Christine. People recognise its composition, its brilliance, its quality and it is a beautiful light for it comes from within.
Best wishes
from Middle-earth
Thank you for being so real and putting yourself out there. Your blog post could have been mine, except that it is my corporate job that I am evolving out of, not a business. But the concept of soul death and serving others at the expense of self and the gradual move in a frustratingly fuzzy new direction….so familiar. Respect your grief and acknowledge your losses. Learn the lessons, and keep your eye on the higher purpose — what the job really allows you to do. Leap and the net will appear. We all believe you can do it.
@Ken Allan: Thanks Ken, I always appreciate your supportive words. It’s nice to have my passion noticed also. I’ve been in business enough times to know now to reassess, regroup, and redesign before I am so exhausted that the light goes out.
I’ve got more up my sleeve, fear not!
@Michelle: I’m leaping, I’m leaping. Are you coming with me? We can hold hands.
I think “failure” gets a bum rap in our culture. In fact, it is not failing that proves the worth of a person but how they handle it. Many just crawl into a hole and give up, complaining about how unfair life is.
However, many of those that posted here showed how picking yourself up (which is hard, I know, been there done that), reassessing what you are doing, and coming up with plan B, C, D, and F. Not giving up, readjusting, reaching out to others that can help (perhaps the most difficult), and plodding on makes us grow. You should be proud that you have not given up. And if you need to change direction, that’s alright. It’s what makes us human. It gives us opportunities to learn new things and become passionate in them.
My biggest problem currently is to maintain motivation to complete my Ph.D. when I just don’t have time to work on it. I don’t see there as being a job at the end of the road (my initial motivation). So I’ve had to reassess what I am doing and the impact it will have on my family. The fact that my children are learning from my struggles has remotivated me (especially as my son will be looking at colleges next year and my daughter two years after that).
Dear Christine:
I am so sorry that your business is not going well and that you have to give up the dream. By facing this and sharing with others, you will eventually overcome it.
I wanted to say thanks for VisualsSpeaks since it allowed me to discover that I could teach and to be able to reach many people in our workplace. Because of you I am able to live out one of my dreams.
I had a small victory yesterday.I had wanted our organization to develop a full program on Respectfulness rather than just the course which has been our main focus. I was beginning to give up because the execs seemed to be happy with just the course and kept delaying the implementation of the full program. I thought I would be writing to you today telling you I gave up my dream too. But remarkably, the program got approved yesterday based on the experiences I shared with them on the great discussions we were having in the class, sparked by our VisualsSpeak exercise in the beginning of the course. You have accomplished way more than you thought and have had a great influence on others. Keep in touch
Chris Kondrat
It may be that the money didn’t materialize but the concept is still a good one. There’s probably another angle to it that will emerge at some point. Keep blogging. Visuals still speak, even if they don’t always sell.
Wishing you all the best.
Betsy
@Virginia Yonkers: I think you may have something really key here in needing to think about failure differently. This reassessment stuff really does go on all the time in business. The artist part of me gets all wound into the business, and I don’t separate them well. If I did, this would just be another step along the way. The passionate creative needs to declare an end to one phase almost to give myself permission to move to the next.
Ph.D’s are notoriously difficult to finish, esp when you are doing it the context of an already full life. Maybe you can finish it with the kids and all graduate together?
@Chris Kondrat: Chris this is such great news. I know you have worked so hard on the Respectfullness program! So pleased it is happening, and that VisualsSpeak has contributed to its success.
Fear not, I’m not going anywhere. I have new images coming, and I’m dreaming up a system for individual exploration. Reconfiguring and adapting. You know I’ll never run out of ideas.
I really appreciate your steadfast support from early prototyping through integrating the product into a government program. It means a lot to me.
========
@Betsy Hansel: I just love the visuals speak even when they don’t sell angle.
VisualsSpeak suffers from some of the same challenges the intercultural world does. It needs to be applied to something. While the myriad of purposes are obvious to me, they aren’t to others. So you are right, another angle will emerge, which will be much stronger and bring all the wisdom of the struggle.
This is such a powerful post.
As a culture I think we’re in major denial about the failure/rebirth cycle that is an intrinsic part of all creative work. We’re also in major denial that business is creative work.
I predict you will find amazing things at the end of this path. Doesn’t make it very fun to walk along at the moment, I realize, but it seems like you are already seeing some of the new seedlings after the burn.
This must have been hard to write. I hope you felt better after writing it.
I think the decisions we make we make because they lead us to where we should be.
I don’t now where this quote came from but I sent it to my sister-in-law when she was going through a rough time and she’s kept it on the bottom of her email signature…
“The butterfly is a powerful symbol for transformation.
It leaves the safety of the cocoon in it’s new form …”
Enjoy the flight Christine.
Janet
Hey, Christine. Maybe it’s time to go to art school again. This video explains it all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK0ITXBWpHE
Enjoy!
Gary
Oh my! Christine – i confess to shedding a tear reading this, it almost broke my heart!
“I’m realizing I created tools to help people feel more connected and alive inside organizations, to combat soul death. I created soul death for myself doing it.” This quote is pivotal. If you are dying inside, there is no point to anything. What ever you do, and however you do it needs to feed and grow your soul, not eat away at it!
Big fat hugs from Oz and thinking of you. Sue
@Sonia Simone | Remarkable Communication: So agree that we are in denial about the birth/death. So much so that it starts to feel like a dirty secret instead of a normal part of business. Its hard to get far enough away from it when in the daily grind of trying to make something work. I have appreciated many of your posts for their ability to help me see more objectively how I am falling into yet another set of behaviors that need adjustment.
@Janet Clarey: The writing was easy. Pushing the publish button, now that was hard. Not deleting it after it was up for a while, hard, hard, hard. I’m still getting used to the idea that I talked about deep dark secrets and published it for the world. Mind you I didn’t mention it to my business partner and he got it as a Google Alert. Details, details.
I carried a poem about a butterfly around with me when I was a teen, so that image does speak to me. Very much feels like that right now.
@Sue Hickton: It has been hard. I keep wondering how I can do things without getting so passionate, but I think that’s what makes the magic. So I guess these pieces are part of the process. So wish it were easier! If you discover the magic solution, let me know.
Dear Christine,
What a fabulous and moving post. And such a great reminder that we need to be following our heart if we are going to keep our businesses alive and kicking! Whenever I have a class or a workshop that is just not working or coming together it’s usually because my heart’s not in it! So I have to reconnect with my own energy and when I do that the external things often fall in line.
I am soooooo glad to hear that you are painting again! It sounds like reclaiming your artists soul is exactly what you need to be doing right now.
Looking forward to hearing more about your journey!
Warmly,
Chris
@chris zydel: Being true to myself is still a challenge. You’d think I would have gotten this one already. I privately define myself as an artist. Not by what I do, but who I am. Yet, I’ve almost hidden that as I entered the business world. I think I’ve bought into all the stereotypes of how we are thought of as artists, and tried to hide that which is my core strength. No more!
Thanks for being an example of someone who fully owns her artist self in business. Keep reminding me its possible.
It really bothered me to see you repeatedly say you were giving up on your dream. I see you read Havi’s post about blaming things on the economy, and I totally agree with what she said.
I don’t know anything about your business, but I wonder if you’re missing something obvious. It might be worth working with a business coach to see where things can be reworked. I know that can be expensive, but how does that cost compare to giving up if this really is your dream?
It’s really a depressing situation and I wish the best for you.
@Terry Heath: Its only a giving up the form of my dream. Hopefully so something can actually manifest that makes it happen differently. The pain of being attached had gotten to be too much, cause you are right it has been depressing.
I’ve hired a number of consultants/coaches. Don’t think I have found the right one. I keep running into people who seem to bring their own agenda, some complete with affiliate links. I would love to find someone who could help me see into my blind spots, but find a solution that works from my strengths rather than theirs.
Wow Christine, what a raw and powerful post. I’d like to send you a huge ((((((hug)))))) for the pain that you’re going through. And a big pat on the back for having the courage to put it out there. I can’t think of anything more painful than having to give up on a dream.
I’m really looking forward to seeing where you go from here, what rises from the ashes as a new day, new you, new business, new direction.
I’m really sorry you’ve had bad experiences with business coaches who had their own agenda. Coaching isn’t supposed to be like that, it should be led by the client and their needs. I’m on my soapbox here, it really makes my blood boil when coaches do that, it gives all of us a bad name and it isn’t proper coaching.
That’s a really brave thing you’re doing. Sometimes you don’t see the wood for the trees and going back to what really resonates in your heart is a bit like coming home. Good luck with that!
@Melinda: Thanks Melinda, I appreciate the hug. I’m excited about the possibilities, and am confident that the next offering will be so much stronger from what i have learned.
As a consultant myself, I always wondered why I heard so much negativity about consulting and coaching. I wasn’t the consumer, I was intersecting as a colleague. My understanding deepened when I started hiring consultants/coaches. I was surprised by some of the experiences, but it really deepened my understanding of what I don’t ever want to do. And helped me see how I might have been perceived differently than intended in the past. I have avoided using the word coach to describe what I do for just the reason you mentioned.
@tannage: It’s certainly an interesting process. Its harder than expected to really let go an move forward. I keep catching myself doing things that I have learned aren’t working simply because they are familiar. Great reminder that I need to be sure to make space to listen to my heart and go there.
Christine… Just learning about your business “cracking” – I also learned this week that Vizthink is also downsizing to stay alive so you’re not the only one. — I agree with Nancy White that the zeitgeist is full of folks excited about visual thinking – my opinion regarding VisualsSpeak is that the process is so unique that it is difficult for people who have not experienced it to understand its value.
I have communicated with Tom Crawford exploring the possibiity of extending the VizThink community here in Palo Alto in the form of a VizThink Design Studio – I would be happy to explore how VisualsSpeak could find a place in our work with clients seeking ways to collaborate and innovate more effectively and more rapidly.
Have you thought about the possibility of using VisualsSpeak as a tool for breaking down the barriers between angel investors and startup entrepreneurs – I have used graphic facilitation in these encounters when we had our VentureStream incubator, and I am thinking about restarting the concept in the proposed VizThink Design Studio. ‘
The idea springs from our previous success in getting investors and entrepreneurial teams “on the same page” which we did by designing intensive interviews with investors and entrepreneurs and using live graphic facilitationn to visualize what people were saying to each other, which helped greatly to bridge the culture gaps in these conversations.
I have the sample kit you sent me and the user manual. I will commit some time soon to try it out on my colleagues to see how they react to the process.
It seems to me that your investment in the images and the process could be considered “evergreen’ in the sense that when the economy turns around ( we hope) you could return to the business case again. I would be pleased to help in whatever way I can if and when you do that.
In the meantime, if we have the potential for a paying “gig” to apply VisualsSpeak with some of our clients, are you interested in doing workshops for a fee? And if so, what is your fee schedule.
Best wishes to you and your partner.
Dave Davison
@dave davison: I would love to support the creation of a visual community in Palo Alto. VisualsSpeak integrates with other methods very well and increases their effectiveness. I think it is actually strongest in conjunction with other methods. And my favorite things to do always involve collaboration with others, its where the innovation lies.
I haven’t thought specifically about entrepreneurs and angels, but it sounds like a perfect application. Two groups with very different agendas, cultures and perspectives trying to come together for a common purpose. Sure can see how understanding the big picture of what each other is thinking could be highly beneficial.
I would greatly value your feedback and input. I hope you will try out VisualsSpeak and see what kind of results you get. I agree that all of our IP is evergreen, and I do fully intend to continue to look at ways to leverage it. I am exploring a variety of applications for it, so would welcome any ideas you have.
Always interested in faciltiation and workshops, and I think you’d find my rates to be competetive. Hard to quote anything out of the context of what needs to be done.
Thanks for your continued interest and belief in what I am tying to do.