Meet my Space Monster. We just spent five days together wrestling dancing in my office. Just what does this little devil do? Torture me. Speak nasty messages in my ear. Get on my back and weigh me down so I can hardly move.
A couple of weeks ago in my post Letting go of Fossilized Dreams, I talked about realizing I had remnants of past businesses in the form of art supplies. In the comments, I got great suggestions about how to let them go. To make room for new things in my life.
Considering the possibility made me sick to my stomach. I’d think about it and tears would well up. This lovely space monster would taunt me, “Ha, ha, ha, see I told you we need all this. What if you someday figure out how to be good enough to be an artist? What then, if you only have a bunch of paper in files?”
What if I am really an artist?
I realize I have been talking about reclaiming my artist self for six months or more. Yes, I know I went to art school. I know I used to participate in craft shows and show in art galleries. I lived at a craft school. I call myself an artist fairly regularly. It’s who I am, what I do, but I have never been able to make enough money to support myself doing it. So part of me feels like a fraud and a failure. An artist, but certainly not one good enough to be a real artist. It’s not like I haven’t tried at various times in various media.
The Space Monsters taunts just weren’t helping. Annoying. Distracting. Finally one morning I just said enough, and said to myself, “OK, what if I AM an artist?” Instantly I got a vision of a gleeful little girl chanting, “Yea, I can keep my art supplies!” Which she followed with exuberant throwing away of every business file she could get her hands on.
Interesting.
What story was my office telling?
I’d been painting everyday on a section of desk surrounded the piles of business papers I had pushed aside. Everywhere I looked, I saw things that reminded me of what isn’t working. Really, it all comes down to a total breakdown of systems. If I ever really even had them in the first place. I’ve been stuck trying to figure out what to do next, and my office showed it. Jammed and disorganized, without places dedicated to specific tasks. It was all happening in a sea of paper.
I decided to just face it. Spend the gorgeous holiday weekend decluttering and reorganizing. Not only did I decide to keep the art supplies, I decided to move a bunch of them into my office. To integrate studio space with office space. To acknowledge both sides of me and give space to each.
Five days later
It’s been quite a dance. I’m scratched and tired and not done. I’ve hauled stuff off, and clogged up the spare bedroom and hall with things to be dealt with. It took two days just to pull everything apart. A day to do the slide puzzle shift of the large furniture. A day to set up art supplies and painting area. A day of starting intently at the business side of the office and having to recognize I just don’t know how to set up effective office systems I will actually use. No wonder I’m struggling.
I have one box of electronics, another of cords. Sure hope they match up somehow. Several boxes of assorted papers. Boxes of yellow pads with tons of scribbles on them. I know they made sense in the moment I drew them. Not so much after the fact. But there are written tidbits of information on the sides of pages.
Most of my file systems rely on my memory. Worked great when my memory was close to photographic. Not so much now that I am older. Makes it virtually impossible for someone else to find things. Not terribly scalable either.
Overall, the space monster is much quieter. There were some rough moments with everything ripped apart. At one point I just laid on the floor in the mess and fell asleep. I am loving my inspiration wall. Loving having art supplies around me again. Loving having a dedicated space to paint.
Next steps
Lesson one of Lisa Baldwins The Gentle Art of Clutter Clearing arrived. I’m thinking about what is trash, what are treasures, and what is in the dreaded not bad enough to throw away catagory. I have an appointment scheduled with Jennifer Hoffman of Inspired Home Office to help me think through what to do with the business side of the office.
Next week I start a ten week course called the Organic Business Manual with Cairene MacDonald of Third Hand Works. We will be digging into the whole range of business systems and seeking to develop a manual to document how things will work.
I realize I must go to this foundation level if I am going to rebuild on a solid foundation. I have new products in development, and the early testing is going well. Leaping into a new model and new products without doing this organizational work is an error I do not want to repeat. Even if I decide to start selling my artwork again, its still a business and needs to be run like one. That much I think I have learned this time.
Christine–CONGRATULATIONS!!! You may not even realize yet the magnitude of what you’ve accomplished so far. Not just the physical decluttering and reorganization, which is huge in itself, but the working through of a lot of those underlying issues. I also think you’re smart about asking for help (and with Lisa, Jen and Cairene, you’re going to be in the best of hands).
My favorite image from all this is picturing you lying on the floor, asleep in the middle of everything. Talk about acceptance of where you are!
I totally get the slide puzzle experience, too. I’ve always lived in small places, where the toughest thing about moving in, moving out, or rearranging things is trying to find room for all the “in transit” stuff.
What you’re doing isn’t fun, but it’s very, very smart. You’re reclaiming and integrating your artist (you ARE a “real” artist, by the way–being paid for one’s art isn’t the determining criterion, though it’s sure nice if you can get it), and you’re recognizing that you want to build both your artistic expression and your new business products from a foundation of clarity.
All this is immensely powerful stuff. And you CAN do it!
Wow, Christine. As usual I am blown away by your level of awareness and ability to describe these deep processes right as you’re going through them. Phewf!
And Yay for the work you did this weekend! I hope that you start to gain inspiration from your space, so cool to hear that those art supplies are back in there
P.S. Really enjoying the paintings you are posting recently
Thanks Eileen,
I am so loving seeing the colors and allowing all the ideas to flow in. Now just to get a bit more of the piles tamed so I can enjoy the studio time.
Hi Christine You are making progress and taking one step after another so can you pleeeeze put some goggles on that space monster now? it creeps me out.
Thank you.
@Barbara Be grateful he doesn’t live in your head. Yes, he is creepy. Like the goggles idea, perhaps some cool sunglasses?
I think there was something in the air this weekend! I unpacked one of my few still-packed boxes, one that had been sealed up for years, labeled “Art Supplies.” Then I cleaned it out and repurposed things, both clearing clutter and adding new life to old systems.
It feels so great, and even better to know someone else is going through something similar. Good luck with your new foundations!
Yes, Amy. I am glad to know I have company also. Nice to think of you playing just down south a bit.
@Michelle Russell:
Judging from my level of exhaustion, I must be doing deep stuff. I took a welcome break today to go on a bike ride, which was great, but I was just lying on the floor again. Back to it tomorrow. Good thing my sister is coming to visit week after next and I will need the bedroom that I am staging the mess in. Keeps me motivated.
Thanks for the cheering. I’m going to need it to keep going. Keep telling me this will result in clarity, its not quite here yet.
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Christine, I think you need to distinguish between being an “artist” and being a “commercial artist.” An artist is creative and tells stories or creates messages through their various art mediums. A commercial artist creates visuals that 1) might be others messages or stories that they want to communicate to a specific audience, 2) make money on the art that they produce often because they are creating an image or story that others want to see, and/or 3) compromise their own artistic expression as they try to please a client.
Of course there are some artists who are also commercial artists (and vise-versa), but it is difficult to be both.
Unlike you, I learned as a freshman in college that I did not have the temperament to be a commercial artist. As I began to HATE doing art, I realized I would need to choose whether I wanted to do it as a profession (and hate my work) or do it as a release. In the end, I gave it up except for my own pleasure. Now, if someone likes it, I’m happy, but if no one likes it, so what? I have found I have more admirers than when I tried to do something I wasn’t comfortable with.
Ooh, Virginia, excellent point! Or in other words, spirit-inspired art or money-inspired art (and no judgment is intended there about either type, by the way)…with a handful of lucky folks who manage to overlap the two.
)
@Virginia Yonkers:
I have danced around in many roles, from fine art to commercial. It’s tough to find one that is comfortable. I just wish there were more options, or I could find better ways to blend my artistic and businesses selves. In the meantime, I am enjoying creating for me as I walk on the tightrope again.
Heya~
I am very impressed but also picturing you flat on the floor asleep. (I usually find a softer surface!) I actually disposed of several bags of paper in the recycle bin and some real trash. Not nearly done with cleaning out my office but trying to do it in stages. I would love to see some portions of the floor again. Next project: the pantry–may not live long enough for that one.
And glad to hear your art supplies have found a home.
Peggy
@Peggy:
It was like being in the scene in Wizard of Oz in the poppy field, suddenly I just couldn’t stay awake long enough to even walk into the next room. Emotional and cognitive overload perhaps?
Yea for less paper. The Paper Monster is sitting in the corner just waiting for me. He tortures me as much as the Space Monster. I do have to admit that not all my supplies have found a home, just my favorite ones. I still have the ‘other’ piles. It’s a process.
For afew months now my art room has just been getting more cluttered and cluttered. Just a place where I am storing stuff. If I dont know where to put something or if its one of those things where you are going to get to it later, “I just put it in the art room” Low and behold this room is like a big unorganized closet. You can hardly walk in there. It has never been like this before.
It has been bothering me but I havent cleaned it and started doing artwork in there.
I am still painting and doing creative things at the school I work everyday but your artical was very good to read. Thanks for posting. Time to declutter and get organized. Yea I know I will feel better!
Thanks Amy
Isn’t it easy to let the studio become the catch all? The space I give my work seems to be so critical to how much I get done. I’ve been working on yet another round of clean outs, now on to reap the rewards!